You Are My Sunshine

I have always liked to sing, even though I am not the best at it.
Music has always been a comfort and joy to me. My nerves have
kept me from being any good at performing. I can't hold a microphone
because my hands shake so. And I have to stand behind something so
that no one can see my knees knocking.

When Ty was born, I found my audience. I never felt shy about
belting out a tune in front of him. He loved my singing. At least, I
think he did. The song I sang the most was "You Are My Sunshine".
He would smile the biggest baby smile when I would begin this tune.
He would snuggle his sweet smelling head against my shoulder,
his eyelids drooping as I whispered the words in his ear.

When Tess arrived, I felt a little guilty singing it. Neither of them was
my only sunshine. They both were. So in my head the sunshine became
plural and I kept singing. The same when Amelia came. It was my baby song.

Then my Jack.

I couldn't sing it anymore. The words caught in my throat. Even now
tears stream down my face.I was living the verse in the song. I would be
rocking Amelia and begin to sing and catch myself. I haven't spoken the words since his birth.

We haven't bought the headstone for his grave. I have felt guilty about
it because it has been over a year. I just put it out of my mind and pretended I didn't have to do this.

I don't know if you have ever been shopping for one,
but it isn't the most fun way to spend an afternoon. First, you are buying
for someone you love that you lost. In my case an unexpected loss.
I hadn't scoped out tombstones to know which one I would get if my
child died. Secondly, have you noticed all of the places to buy one are
on the side of a busy road? You have to look at them with the whole
world driving by. Third, I don't like any of the ones they have for children.
Lastly, you have toknow what to write on it. I have to convey my thoughts,
feelings and love for my child in a few words. Any one who knows me, is
aware I am not a woman of a few words. It will be there for a while.
I want whoever is looking at it to know how much he meant to so many people.

I am done putting off this task and have been looking for the marker
and have been writing down things I feel about him so that I can figure
out what we wanton it. I think that we have figured it out.
At the risk of sounding cheesy, but by being true,

"Our littlest sunshine
dreaming of holding you once more.
Until that day".

Thanks, Matt, for the counseling. Thanks for all of my friends and family
for walking through this with me. Thank you, Cole for the beautiful
portrait so that I don't have to rely on my memory. Thank you, Lord,
for love, Jack, and loss. There are so many things we wouldn't learn
without loss. Thank you for Your Son and the certainty that I will
see my son again some day and hold him and sing to him.

"You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.

The other night dear
When I was sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear
How much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."