Lancaster Prayer Request

I am coming once again to ask you to pray for me. I am so grateful to have you dear people in my life, people who do not mind listening to me and going to God on my behalf. If you would, could you take a minute and read what has poured from my heart and mind to this page and then give the time you feel led to give?

I am still here waiting on Dinah to arrive. Dr. Young will induce labor on Friday, May 21st, if I do not go into labor on my own before that day. Because that is less than a week away, I guess I finally realize that I will not be pregnant forever. As most of you know because I shared in the beginning, this pregnancy has been like none other of mine, filled with questions, uncertainties, and difficulties. When I asked God for another baby, I had no idea how He would use it to heal hurts I didn’t know I had, how He would lead me to a deeper level of trust, and teach me things I don’t think I would have learned any other way. We have now made it to the home stretch and she gives us no sign of being anything other than a strong, healthy, little girl. I praise God for carrying me this far because I could not have walked or crawled here on my own.

With nothing other than good news, why would I need to ask you to pray in any other way than praise? A few days ago, I began to cry. It came from nowhere. I was alone in my room and had begun to think about going to the hospital to deliver. Sobs racked my body and I began to shake. Fear seemed to consume my being. My mind was a series of flashes, with mental pictures of our last delivery lined up against visions of what might come. How can we do this? We have to go back to the same place and be in a room that will probably look just like the one we delivered in last time. I don’t want her delivery to be plagued by my sadness. I want only joy in that room and I don’t know how that can happen.

I would say that I don’t fear that anything is wrong or that she might die too, but as I looked back over the previous days, I think that it is there despite evidence to the contrary. I have not begun to prepare for her arrival like I normally would. After my kind friends at work gave us a baby shower, I took the clothes home and left them in their bags. I had to make myself take the tags off and wash them. As I folded them I remembered sitting in a chair in the living room folding Jack’s things and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over them with the children. I folded Dinah’s clothes with trembling fingers and tears in my eyes.

And there, in my room, as I cried as I only had a few times in my life, I did as I always do and had an argument with myself. I tried to reason what I knew against what I felt. The God, who sent His Holy Spirit to the room where I delivered my stillborn son, can certainly send Him to this delivery room. He, who gave me peace instead of hysteria, can give me the same this time. He, who would send the song “How Great is Our God” to my lips as we held his lifeless body, would give me a new song for this baby. As I asked, “How?”, He replied, “in ME.”

So after I could get myself together and spent the next twelve hours struggling with this, I have calmed and am feeling better. Even as I write, Dinah kicks so hard against me, my whole body moves. But even though I do not doubt God, I do doubt myself. So I am asking that you would pray that this new calm would stay with me. I ask that you pray that I my actions and feelings would reflect the trust that I say I have.

Would you pray for my doctor, Dr. Young, and the nurses that have me when we deliver? As a healthcare worker, I know that it is sometimes difficult to care for special situations. Would you pray for Eric as he stands by my side? Would you pray for Ty, Tess, and Amelia? Would you pray for Dinah?

Would you pray against the fear that has no place in my heart or in that room? Would you tell the Evil One that he is not welcome here?

I don’t want false reassurances that “everything will be alright”, because it might not be. Eric and I have met no quota on pain. But I do need to have the assurance that whatever happens, God will bring us through it as He has before. Thank you in advance for spending time lifting our family up to Him. When this time has passed, we will be able to praise Him together and give Him the glory for what He has done.

Again God has given me a song for this walk and it is one I didn’t expect. I have not sung it in church since my teen years, but I sang it so much in my childhood, its words are forever on my heart.


Trust and Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain:

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

____________________________________________________________
Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]
2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica

When My Heart Is Breaking....

I know I have been quiet for a while. For those of you who thought
I couldn’t be, are you impressed?


I have been away, away at war. No physical battle, just a fight for
truth when my feelings overwhelmed me with lies. Thankfully, I am
much better and Christ is the victor. I am not proud of the story I
am about to tell you, but I have to tell you about the ugly parts, so
you can understand the beautiful way that God works through my
weakness.

When I was pregnant with our son Jack, many people asked me
if I he would be our last. I guess many were thinking, “It’s your
fourth kid, it has GOT to be your last!” I know that family planning
is mostly the norm. We often assume that we can choose how
many little ones grace our home. For Eric and me, our attempts
at controlling the number and timing of our offspring were thwarted
very early on in our marriage. God let us know who was boss right
away as we had one precious surprise after another. So in
response to that question, I always replied, “I don’t feel ‘done’.”
God had never given me the signal to quit. I never felt that Jack
would be the caboose to our family train.

Many of you know what happened. Two days before I was
expected to deliver Jack into this world, he went ahead of us
to heaven to wait for us there. His death proved once again
how little control we actually have over our existence and the
futility of thinking we do. So about six months after Jack went
to be with Jesus, I began to ask God for another child. I also
prayed that if He allowed me to become pregnant again, that
I wouldn’t be afraid.

Now, after about a year of those prayers, we are anticipating
the birth of another child. In the few months that we have
known this, my world has been spinning. From the beginning,
this pregnancy has been like none other I have had. There
was a question of this baby’s viability and health since day one.
Instead of joy and peace, I have had anguish and uncertainty.
The fear I had prayed against for so long crept in anyway.
Questions, anger, and loneliness came as its companions.
Because I did not want to feel these emotions, shame joined
in as well. He asks so little of me and I failed Him again.

I never questioned God after Jack died, but I was full of them
now. I wanted to know, “Why now? Why this baby? Of all
of my children, You choose the baby after the one who died
for me to have trouble with??! Why would You instill a desire
for more children in me if I can’t have any more? The doctors
say they think I may have lost a twin. What am I supposed to
do with that information? What am I supposed to feel about
that? Did I, or didn’t I?”

I chose not to attach myself to the baby, so there was no
excitement with each sonogram. It was all just more information
until we went for the next one. I only told a few people about
what was going on. I couldn’t have the children find out we
were having a baby that might die. They would be so hurt again.
So I had to pretend to most people around me. We are all “fine”,
right?

The most horrible thing that happened was that I felt alone. After
experiencing years of intimate time in God’s presence, it seemed
that He was gone. I didn’t feel His arms around me. I spoke,
and heard no reply. Where did He go? At first, I was too ashamed
of what I was feeling to even show Him my face. Then, when I
tried to talk to Him, it was as if He wasn’t there. I thought, “Fine,
I don’t really like what You have going for me anyway. I won’t talk
to You either.” But after a few days, I couldn’t stand it. I called out
to Him in prayer during the day. At night, I would awake from
troubled sleep to hear my own voice softly begging, “Come back
to me, please, come back to me.”

Thankfully, we are now at 14 weeks and the baby seems to be
doing well. We heard a heartbeat of 160 at the last check-up.
Because we are past 12 weeks, our chances of losing the baby
go down to 2 percent. Even though my body is still having
some trouble, my spirit is showing some signs of healing. I have
had such a precious group of friends pleading with God on my
behalf. They spoke for me when I couldn’t speak on my own.
And, as always, God has been teaching me despite myself.

In retrospect, all of that time I felt God had left me, I know He
was there. With each angry word, or pleading question, He
used the words He had written on my heart long ago to answer
me. He helped me battle what I felt with what I knew. God’s
Word is truth. He doesn’t lie.

When I felt cheated,

“He is the Rock. His work is perfect; for all His ways are
justice; A God of truth and without injustice; Righteous and
upright is He.” Deuteronomy 32:4

“I do not cheat you, dear one.”

When I asked why,

“And we know that God causes everything to work together
for the good of those who love God are called according to
His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

“And all of us have had that veil removed that we can be mirrors
that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the
Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and
reflect His glory even more.” 2 Corinthians 3:18

“I have a plan.”

When I felt alone,

“Let your conduct be without covetousness, be content with
such things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will
never leave you or forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5

“And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, Lord have not forsaken those who seek You.”
Psalm 9:10

“I am always with you.”

When I was afraid,

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and
of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me
from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

“Don’t be afraid. I am with you.”

When I was sad,

“You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

“He heals the broken hearted. He binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3

“I care about you.”

And most of all, when I needed to feel loved,

“The Lord appeared of old to me saying, “Yes, I have loved
you with an everlasting love; Therefore with loving kindness
I have drawn you.” Jeremiah 31:3

“God is love.” I John 4:8b

“I love you.”


“I love you.”


“I love you.”

So tonight, I surrender my need for control. I thank God
for this baby. I have hope for their future. I trust Him for
whatever He deems fit. I praise Him for His constancy
and forgiveness. I cling to His truth. I am grateful to feel
His presence once more.

As ever, God has allowed a song to minister to my heart.
Please click on this link to hear J. J. Heller's  "Your Hands" .