Love Fest

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. All different kinds, but mostly the kind of love Jesus commanded us to have for one another. Over a year ago, I was really burdened by the “Love Chapter”. Yes, the verses I grew up seeing in cross-stitch on the wall, the verses I had heard so many times and thought were beautiful, made me sad. I knew I had not been living those words.


Not just in that chapter, but in many, many verses, God commands us to love one another.

“Love your enemies…” Matthew 5:44

“Love your neighbor as yourself”- Matthew 22:39

“You yourselves have been taught by God to love each other.” I Thessalonians 4:9

“Above all things have fervent love for one another” I Peter 4:1-8

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I go around hating people. I generally get along with people. I like to do things for people who need things. I try to be kind to others even when they aren’t so nice to me. But I had to ask myself, “Do you love others like He wants you to?” The answer was plainly no. It is awful to see flaws so clearly. And as I read in I Corinthians 13, it doesn’t matter what good I do, even with the best intentions, if I don’t love the ones I am doing it for.

I began to pray and ask God to help me love people. Even the ones that don’t deserve it, the ones I don’t want to love, the ones that need it. I put I Corinthians 13:1-3 on my refrigerator and told God “Send the Love!” Did a love fest ensue? No, not really. I became aware of what I needed to be feeling and thought about it a lot. I kept on loving the people it was easy to love, but with the awareness, brought more prayer and conscious effort. I didn’t want to have to TRY to love people though; I wanted it to flow out of me.

Recently, Bro. Dennis Smith has been talking about love too and teaching about what God has to say about it through His Word. One night he was teaching from the “Love Chapter” and told us to take I Corinthians 13:4-8, the portion of the chapter where God explains what love is, and to replace the word “Love” with “Jesus”. Jesus is love.

JESUS is patient, JESUS is kind. JESUS does not envy….

Then, because our goal should be to emulate Jesus in every way, Bro. Dennis told us to put our own name in the place of “Jesus”.

….Anna does not boast, Anna is not proud, Anna is not rude, Anna is not self-seeking…

Then at the beginning and end of each day we were to think of being what LOVE is and then evaluate the outcome.

Okay, basically, I STINK at loving.

Even though my actions might be right some of the time, my heart is often far behind. I am not even loving my family and friends properly. I thought they were the easy ones! But, instead of giving up, I am trying to see my mistakes, ask forgiveness, and am seeking to do better next time.

Most of you know I am a nurse. Nearly all of the patients I take care of are a joy to be with. But…sometimes…those challenging situations come along. I usually start with a good attitude but by the end of my shift, my good intentions have gone down the drain. While I feel I am never rude to my patients, I don’t always think the nicest thoughts.

Last night, I helped a fellow nurse and friend deal with a difficult situation. Her patient became very confused at bedtime. She did know who she was, where she was, or what day it was. She began to pick and pull at all of the lines and tubes that were in place to make her better. No amount of reorientation, explanation, or instruction did any good. My friend was exhausted from trying to keep the patient from harming herself. I was able to assist my friend in caring for her. After we had completed the necessary procedures at the time, I told my friend that I would stay with the patient while she took a much needed break. The patient had a one sided weakness, so I only had to take care of one hand to keep her from undoing her lines. We dimmed the lights, I held that hand, and sat with her. At first she pulled away, then, she began to squeeze my hand like it gave her comfort to have it there. After a few minutes of quiet, she dozed off to sleep.

For about 30 minutes, I held her hand, prayed for her, her nurse, and her doctors. At times my other hand rested on her chest to help me count her shallow breaths. But mostly, during that interval, I just loved her.

God allowed me, for a short while, to experience what I want to become all the time. That woman had done nothing to deserve my love. She had not endeared anyone by her actions or attitudes. I did not just care for her because it was my job, or because I felt sorry for her. I cared for her because I loved her, not just as myself, as but more than myself.

By God’s grace and power, this work in progress, has made a little progress. My plan is to keep at it, and maybe one day before I go to meet my Maker, I might one of the main participants in His love fest. Oh, that I might one day become so filled with His love, that it oozes from my pores for all to see and give honor to Him!

But until that day, I will be repeating over and over,



“Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud. It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil;

But rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

Always hopes, always preserves.

Love never fails.”

I Corinthians 13:4-8a

Hankerchiefs and Tears

This morning I put on a jacket and put my hands in the pockets and
pulled out a wrinkled ball of white linen. It was one of the hankerchiefs
I am forever misplacing. I know that it is a bit old-fashioned but I
like to use handerchiefs instead of tissues (unless I have a cold). I have
always been one easily moved to tears, so it is almost necessary to
keep one on hand unless I want to be dripping all over my sleeves.

This morning as I smoothed and refolded the cloth, I thought of my
second son, Jack. I realized I had not worn this jacket since a few
months after his birth. It isn't quite maternity but it is larger than I
usually wear so that is why I was wearing it then and why I am
wearing it today. I was still crying quite a lot those days. A thought,
a kind word, or a mother and child, would trigger a flood.

This month, on the 19th, my Jack would have been 2 years old.
The first year moved by so slowly but this second year has flown by.
Today, as I reflect on where I was then and the place I am in now, I
am so thankful. It took me a good 6 months to be able to even walk
by the baby department at the store, much less go into that section
and buy something. But, by and by, when it was required, as with
each step I had to take, God supplied the strength to do it.

Today, I go to visit my OB to check on the little one growing inside me.
She likes to move around a lot. Which is such a blessing because I
can not help each time she somersaults inside me but think of the one
who was perfectly still. Each kick and turn reminds me she is okay.

Lots of people who talk to me ask me, "How many is this now?",
referring to how many children we have. I always say five. Then,
"When is this one due?" I reply, "May."  The next question is
almost inevitably, "How old are they?" I then go down the
line: Ty (10), Tess (8), Amelia (4), and Jack who would have
been two this month. The reactions I receive vary. The ones I
have a hard time with are the ones who say, "So this will be the
4th, then", as if they need to correct my math. Or, the ones that are
so uncomfortable with me talking about him, that they change the
subject or end our conversation abruptly.

I understand there are people who don't want to talk about the
children they don't have here on earth anymore. I wouldn't
judge what is private or painful enough that they don't
or can't speak of it. But I am okay with it. I think of Jack daily
and he isn't less my child, just because he isn't with me here on
earth. The child I carry is my 5th child and I
will continue to refer to her as such. I hope that you won't be
made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with me. I hope that
you will feel the joy I have about being blessed with 5 children,
living here or in heaven. And if I cry a little, and have to pull out
my hankerchief, don't feel bad, just know that you were a part of
an intimate moment of memory for me. This is not a reproach, just
a gentle reminder to take the cue of the one you are speaking with.

God is using my openness to help others who have been in
similar circumstances. I won't ever be ashamed of sharing my
feelings if it assists others as they wade through their pain.
I am so grateful that as his birthday approaches that I am not in
the depths of despair, but I am also thankful that I am able to think
of him, remember, and have a heart tender enough to shed a few tears.

Are You Getting Excited?

THE OLYMPICS WILL BE HERE IN ONLY 9 MORE DAYS!!!

For as long as I can remember, I've loved the Olympics. Winter or
Summer, I don't care. It is all fabulous. But since it is winter, lets talk
about those.

I remember sitting cross-legged in front of the TV in awe of how
beautiful the ice skaters were. Despite never seeing any ice except
in the freezer, and on the rare occasion the pond in the backyard
froze over in an ice storm, this Mississippi girl dreamed of gliding,
smiling, jumping, and spinning someday for these United States
of America. It was difficult practicing my routines in my tennis shoes on
grass but that didn't stop me. You should have seen how well the Janzen
kids could bobsled in a laundry basket on the the living room floor.
Four of us-just the right number. What a team!

Speed skating, skiing, curling, luge--I watch them all with wonder. To not
be much of a sportswoman myself, I sure do appreciate their athleticism.
If I only had one tenth their drive and discipline, oh, what I would achieve!

I think another reason I like the Olympics is that I associate it with family.
We always watched it together. There weren't any other TVs, gaming
systems, or iPods to call us away. There were hardly any other channels
for that matter. They were an event to look forward to together. So
now, even though my children have plenty of other options, I force them
to enjoy the events with me. Maybe they will look back and have a
few fond memories also.

I have been a weekend nurse for almost 5 years now so I have missed
the opening and closing ceremonies of the Olympics the last two times.
This year it will all be different. We have a DVR!!! I will be able to
record every moment!

So, gather up your red, white, and blue and get ready to cheer.

USA! USA! USA!