When My Heart Is Breaking....

I know I have been quiet for a while. For those of you who thought
I couldn’t be, are you impressed?


I have been away, away at war. No physical battle, just a fight for
truth when my feelings overwhelmed me with lies. Thankfully, I am
much better and Christ is the victor. I am not proud of the story I
am about to tell you, but I have to tell you about the ugly parts, so
you can understand the beautiful way that God works through my
weakness.

When I was pregnant with our son Jack, many people asked me
if I he would be our last. I guess many were thinking, “It’s your
fourth kid, it has GOT to be your last!” I know that family planning
is mostly the norm. We often assume that we can choose how
many little ones grace our home. For Eric and me, our attempts
at controlling the number and timing of our offspring were thwarted
very early on in our marriage. God let us know who was boss right
away as we had one precious surprise after another. So in
response to that question, I always replied, “I don’t feel ‘done’.”
God had never given me the signal to quit. I never felt that Jack
would be the caboose to our family train.

Many of you know what happened. Two days before I was
expected to deliver Jack into this world, he went ahead of us
to heaven to wait for us there. His death proved once again
how little control we actually have over our existence and the
futility of thinking we do. So about six months after Jack went
to be with Jesus, I began to ask God for another child. I also
prayed that if He allowed me to become pregnant again, that
I wouldn’t be afraid.

Now, after about a year of those prayers, we are anticipating
the birth of another child. In the few months that we have
known this, my world has been spinning. From the beginning,
this pregnancy has been like none other I have had. There
was a question of this baby’s viability and health since day one.
Instead of joy and peace, I have had anguish and uncertainty.
The fear I had prayed against for so long crept in anyway.
Questions, anger, and loneliness came as its companions.
Because I did not want to feel these emotions, shame joined
in as well. He asks so little of me and I failed Him again.

I never questioned God after Jack died, but I was full of them
now. I wanted to know, “Why now? Why this baby? Of all
of my children, You choose the baby after the one who died
for me to have trouble with??! Why would You instill a desire
for more children in me if I can’t have any more? The doctors
say they think I may have lost a twin. What am I supposed to
do with that information? What am I supposed to feel about
that? Did I, or didn’t I?”

I chose not to attach myself to the baby, so there was no
excitement with each sonogram. It was all just more information
until we went for the next one. I only told a few people about
what was going on. I couldn’t have the children find out we
were having a baby that might die. They would be so hurt again.
So I had to pretend to most people around me. We are all “fine”,
right?

The most horrible thing that happened was that I felt alone. After
experiencing years of intimate time in God’s presence, it seemed
that He was gone. I didn’t feel His arms around me. I spoke,
and heard no reply. Where did He go? At first, I was too ashamed
of what I was feeling to even show Him my face. Then, when I
tried to talk to Him, it was as if He wasn’t there. I thought, “Fine,
I don’t really like what You have going for me anyway. I won’t talk
to You either.” But after a few days, I couldn’t stand it. I called out
to Him in prayer during the day. At night, I would awake from
troubled sleep to hear my own voice softly begging, “Come back
to me, please, come back to me.”

Thankfully, we are now at 14 weeks and the baby seems to be
doing well. We heard a heartbeat of 160 at the last check-up.
Because we are past 12 weeks, our chances of losing the baby
go down to 2 percent. Even though my body is still having
some trouble, my spirit is showing some signs of healing. I have
had such a precious group of friends pleading with God on my
behalf. They spoke for me when I couldn’t speak on my own.
And, as always, God has been teaching me despite myself.

In retrospect, all of that time I felt God had left me, I know He
was there. With each angry word, or pleading question, He
used the words He had written on my heart long ago to answer
me. He helped me battle what I felt with what I knew. God’s
Word is truth. He doesn’t lie.

When I felt cheated,

“He is the Rock. His work is perfect; for all His ways are
justice; A God of truth and without injustice; Righteous and
upright is He.” Deuteronomy 32:4

“I do not cheat you, dear one.”

When I asked why,

“And we know that God causes everything to work together
for the good of those who love God are called according to
His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

“And all of us have had that veil removed that we can be mirrors
that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the
Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and
reflect His glory even more.” 2 Corinthians 3:18

“I have a plan.”

When I felt alone,

“Let your conduct be without covetousness, be content with
such things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will
never leave you or forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5

“And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, Lord have not forsaken those who seek You.”
Psalm 9:10

“I am always with you.”

When I was afraid,

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and
of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me
from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

“Don’t be afraid. I am with you.”

When I was sad,

“You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

“He heals the broken hearted. He binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3

“I care about you.”

And most of all, when I needed to feel loved,

“The Lord appeared of old to me saying, “Yes, I have loved
you with an everlasting love; Therefore with loving kindness
I have drawn you.” Jeremiah 31:3

“God is love.” I John 4:8b

“I love you.”


“I love you.”


“I love you.”

So tonight, I surrender my need for control. I thank God
for this baby. I have hope for their future. I trust Him for
whatever He deems fit. I praise Him for His constancy
and forgiveness. I cling to His truth. I am grateful to feel
His presence once more.

As ever, God has allowed a song to minister to my heart.
Please click on this link to hear J. J. Heller's  "Your Hands" .