When Spring Comes Again

I love to see the daffodils blooming. It seems to be the first sign that spring will make its appearance. As a girl, we were allowed to pick all of the daffodils we wanted because there were so many of them in the fields around where we lived. We would fill any container we could find with the flowers and decorate our home. Their bright yellow would light up any room. Now that I am older, I don’t pick them as much, I just enjoy the fact that they bring color to the bleak, brown landscape from the long winter months.


This year the blooms have emerged in March. A couple of years ago, due to an unusual warm spell they were out in February. The day of my son’s funeral was overcast, cold, and misty. As we drove to the cemetery, I noticed the daffodils lined the roadway. It felt good to see them, but I wondered at them being out on a day like that.

In the coming months, one of songs I listened to the most was “Worship in the Waiting” by FFH. The chorus to the song is this:


I WILL WORSHIP IN THE WAITING
I WILL WALK WITH THIS SAND BENEATH MY FEET
THOUGH THE WINTER WIND IS BLOWING
THE GROUND IS NOT FROZEN UNDERNEATH
I WILL WORSHIP AND NOT GROW BITTER
CAUSE I KNOW YOU SEE THE END OF IT ALL
AND WITH THE SPRING WILL COME THE RAIN
AND I'LL SEE WHAT WAS GAINED
IN THE WAITING



Those days I walked a lot outside and listened to music. I was able to watch spring come into its full glory. The dead leaves and broken branches were replaced with bits of green and dogwood blooms. Wisteria, tulips, azaleas and daffodils graced the scenery beautifully. God used His gorgeous earth to show me He loved me. Each blossom whispered comfort. Even though I was walking through a winter in my life, spring would come again. The ground, so frozen and hard, was not dead. It held life beneath it and with time and God’s help; I would bloom again as well.

So daffodils have become my own personal rainbow and I don’t mind sharing it with you. No matter what difficulty you are enduring in the present, nothing on this earth lasts forever. It will pass. He may not change your circumstance but He can change you in it. So even when you feel you can’t, worship Him and don’t grow bitter. Lean on Him and grow in wisdom. Then someday, when spring has come again, you will be able to look back and see how far He has brought you.



I’ve seen the red sea part, I’ve seen the mountains move
But now it seems so dark, I can’t even feel you
If you chose to be silent I’ll be silent too
I will worship in the waiting, quiet before you
Until your voice like manna from the sky falls

I WILL WORSHIP IN THE WAITING
I WILL WALK WITH THIS SAND BENEATH MY FEET
THOUGH THE WINTER WIND IS BLOWING
THE GROUND IS NOT FROZEN UNDERNEATH
I WILL WORSHIP AND NOT GROW BITTER
CAUSE I KNOW YOU SEE THE END OF IT ALL
AND WITH THE SPRING WILL COME THE RAIN
AND I'LL SEE WHAT WAS GAINED
IN THE WAITING

I’ve seen the blooms of spring, new life in everything
But now it seems so grey, bright colors fade away
This winter seems much longer and colder than before
But I will worship in the waiting, expecting something more
Until the sun shines warm upon my face again

He Leadeth me He leadeth me
By his own hand He leadeth me
His faithful follower I would be
For by his hand He leadeth me

Love Fest

I’ve been thinking a lot about love lately. All different kinds, but mostly the kind of love Jesus commanded us to have for one another. Over a year ago, I was really burdened by the “Love Chapter”. Yes, the verses I grew up seeing in cross-stitch on the wall, the verses I had heard so many times and thought were beautiful, made me sad. I knew I had not been living those words.


Not just in that chapter, but in many, many verses, God commands us to love one another.

“Love your enemies…” Matthew 5:44

“Love your neighbor as yourself”- Matthew 22:39

“You yourselves have been taught by God to love each other.” I Thessalonians 4:9

“Above all things have fervent love for one another” I Peter 4:1-8

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I go around hating people. I generally get along with people. I like to do things for people who need things. I try to be kind to others even when they aren’t so nice to me. But I had to ask myself, “Do you love others like He wants you to?” The answer was plainly no. It is awful to see flaws so clearly. And as I read in I Corinthians 13, it doesn’t matter what good I do, even with the best intentions, if I don’t love the ones I am doing it for.

I began to pray and ask God to help me love people. Even the ones that don’t deserve it, the ones I don’t want to love, the ones that need it. I put I Corinthians 13:1-3 on my refrigerator and told God “Send the Love!” Did a love fest ensue? No, not really. I became aware of what I needed to be feeling and thought about it a lot. I kept on loving the people it was easy to love, but with the awareness, brought more prayer and conscious effort. I didn’t want to have to TRY to love people though; I wanted it to flow out of me.

Recently, Bro. Dennis Smith has been talking about love too and teaching about what God has to say about it through His Word. One night he was teaching from the “Love Chapter” and told us to take I Corinthians 13:4-8, the portion of the chapter where God explains what love is, and to replace the word “Love” with “Jesus”. Jesus is love.

JESUS is patient, JESUS is kind. JESUS does not envy….

Then, because our goal should be to emulate Jesus in every way, Bro. Dennis told us to put our own name in the place of “Jesus”.

….Anna does not boast, Anna is not proud, Anna is not rude, Anna is not self-seeking…

Then at the beginning and end of each day we were to think of being what LOVE is and then evaluate the outcome.

Okay, basically, I STINK at loving.

Even though my actions might be right some of the time, my heart is often far behind. I am not even loving my family and friends properly. I thought they were the easy ones! But, instead of giving up, I am trying to see my mistakes, ask forgiveness, and am seeking to do better next time.

Most of you know I am a nurse. Nearly all of the patients I take care of are a joy to be with. But…sometimes…those challenging situations come along. I usually start with a good attitude but by the end of my shift, my good intentions have gone down the drain. While I feel I am never rude to my patients, I don’t always think the nicest thoughts.

Last night, I helped a fellow nurse and friend deal with a difficult situation. Her patient became very confused at bedtime. She did know who she was, where she was, or what day it was. She began to pick and pull at all of the lines and tubes that were in place to make her better. No amount of reorientation, explanation, or instruction did any good. My friend was exhausted from trying to keep the patient from harming herself. I was able to assist my friend in caring for her. After we had completed the necessary procedures at the time, I told my friend that I would stay with the patient while she took a much needed break. The patient had a one sided weakness, so I only had to take care of one hand to keep her from undoing her lines. We dimmed the lights, I held that hand, and sat with her. At first she pulled away, then, she began to squeeze my hand like it gave her comfort to have it there. After a few minutes of quiet, she dozed off to sleep.

For about 30 minutes, I held her hand, prayed for her, her nurse, and her doctors. At times my other hand rested on her chest to help me count her shallow breaths. But mostly, during that interval, I just loved her.

God allowed me, for a short while, to experience what I want to become all the time. That woman had done nothing to deserve my love. She had not endeared anyone by her actions or attitudes. I did not just care for her because it was my job, or because I felt sorry for her. I cared for her because I loved her, not just as myself, as but more than myself.

By God’s grace and power, this work in progress, has made a little progress. My plan is to keep at it, and maybe one day before I go to meet my Maker, I might one of the main participants in His love fest. Oh, that I might one day become so filled with His love, that it oozes from my pores for all to see and give honor to Him!

But until that day, I will be repeating over and over,



“Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud. It is not rude,

It is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered,

It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil;

But rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,

Always hopes, always preserves.

Love never fails.”

I Corinthians 13:4-8a

Hankerchiefs and Tears

This morning I put on a jacket and put my hands in the pockets and
pulled out a wrinkled ball of white linen. It was one of the hankerchiefs
I am forever misplacing. I know that it is a bit old-fashioned but I
like to use handerchiefs instead of tissues (unless I have a cold). I have
always been one easily moved to tears, so it is almost necessary to
keep one on hand unless I want to be dripping all over my sleeves.

This morning as I smoothed and refolded the cloth, I thought of my
second son, Jack. I realized I had not worn this jacket since a few
months after his birth. It isn't quite maternity but it is larger than I
usually wear so that is why I was wearing it then and why I am
wearing it today. I was still crying quite a lot those days. A thought,
a kind word, or a mother and child, would trigger a flood.

This month, on the 19th, my Jack would have been 2 years old.
The first year moved by so slowly but this second year has flown by.
Today, as I reflect on where I was then and the place I am in now, I
am so thankful. It took me a good 6 months to be able to even walk
by the baby department at the store, much less go into that section
and buy something. But, by and by, when it was required, as with
each step I had to take, God supplied the strength to do it.

Today, I go to visit my OB to check on the little one growing inside me.
She likes to move around a lot. Which is such a blessing because I
can not help each time she somersaults inside me but think of the one
who was perfectly still. Each kick and turn reminds me she is okay.

Lots of people who talk to me ask me, "How many is this now?",
referring to how many children we have. I always say five. Then,
"When is this one due?" I reply, "May."  The next question is
almost inevitably, "How old are they?" I then go down the
line: Ty (10), Tess (8), Amelia (4), and Jack who would have
been two this month. The reactions I receive vary. The ones I
have a hard time with are the ones who say, "So this will be the
4th, then", as if they need to correct my math. Or, the ones that are
so uncomfortable with me talking about him, that they change the
subject or end our conversation abruptly.

I understand there are people who don't want to talk about the
children they don't have here on earth anymore. I wouldn't
judge what is private or painful enough that they don't
or can't speak of it. But I am okay with it. I think of Jack daily
and he isn't less my child, just because he isn't with me here on
earth. The child I carry is my 5th child and I
will continue to refer to her as such. I hope that you won't be
made to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with me. I hope that
you will feel the joy I have about being blessed with 5 children,
living here or in heaven. And if I cry a little, and have to pull out
my hankerchief, don't feel bad, just know that you were a part of
an intimate moment of memory for me. This is not a reproach, just
a gentle reminder to take the cue of the one you are speaking with.

God is using my openness to help others who have been in
similar circumstances. I won't ever be ashamed of sharing my
feelings if it assists others as they wade through their pain.
I am so grateful that as his birthday approaches that I am not in
the depths of despair, but I am also thankful that I am able to think
of him, remember, and have a heart tender enough to shed a few tears.

Are You Getting Excited?

THE OLYMPICS WILL BE HERE IN ONLY 9 MORE DAYS!!!

For as long as I can remember, I've loved the Olympics. Winter or
Summer, I don't care. It is all fabulous. But since it is winter, lets talk
about those.

I remember sitting cross-legged in front of the TV in awe of how
beautiful the ice skaters were. Despite never seeing any ice except
in the freezer, and on the rare occasion the pond in the backyard
froze over in an ice storm, this Mississippi girl dreamed of gliding,
smiling, jumping, and spinning someday for these United States
of America. It was difficult practicing my routines in my tennis shoes on
grass but that didn't stop me. You should have seen how well the Janzen
kids could bobsled in a laundry basket on the the living room floor.
Four of us-just the right number. What a team!

Speed skating, skiing, curling, luge--I watch them all with wonder. To not
be much of a sportswoman myself, I sure do appreciate their athleticism.
If I only had one tenth their drive and discipline, oh, what I would achieve!

I think another reason I like the Olympics is that I associate it with family.
We always watched it together. There weren't any other TVs, gaming
systems, or iPods to call us away. There were hardly any other channels
for that matter. They were an event to look forward to together. So
now, even though my children have plenty of other options, I force them
to enjoy the events with me. Maybe they will look back and have a
few fond memories also.

I have been a weekend nurse for almost 5 years now so I have missed
the opening and closing ceremonies of the Olympics the last two times.
This year it will all be different. We have a DVR!!! I will be able to
record every moment!

So, gather up your red, white, and blue and get ready to cheer.

USA! USA! USA!

Big Announcement

This evening we announced to the children that the new baby's
name would be Dinah.

These are the statements I received in reply:



"D-I-N-A-H?!?! Are you serious?"

"Is that even a real name?"

"Is that a boy's name?"

"I thought the baby's name was Georgia Sparkles!"

"At school we have a soup named Dyna." To this I replied,
"What?" Tess said, "Yeah, its so hot. Like dynamite. We call
it Dyna. Do you really want to name the baby after a soup?"

"DINAH! I'm just not so sure about this mom."

"I think I'm going to throw up."



I really like the name. Eric does too. This is a milestone in our
baby naming. We usually name our babies in the hospital because
we can never agree on a name until then. I was so proud of it until
I was shot down by 3 well-meaning children. I just don't feel
God leading us to"Georgia Sparkes".

I think that, despite the bad feedback in the polls, we are going to
stick to that name. We are working on the baby's second name.
That may end up being a hospital thing.

The baby is thriving. She is an active little girl. All of her sonogram
pictures looked great. Thanks for praying for us. Please continue
to do so.

Love,
Anna

P.S. I hope her name doesn't make you want to throw up.

Unto You A Child Is Born

When my two oldest children asked to audition for the Christmas play that
the Corinth Theatre Arts was producing this year, I was reluctant to allow
them to do it. We were so busy already and I was not sure that we could
manage to add one more activity. Eric assured me that he would be able
to get them there most of the time. This was something that they wanted
to do for a long time so I gave my consent.


I took them to the auditions. I encouraged them to do their best. I also
reminded them that this was their first time trying out for a play, and to
not be disheartened if they did not get a part. They are very talented and
this would be experience for the future. I asked them if they were
nervous and Ty said, “A little.” Tess was just excited. We filled out the
audition forms and walked into the auditorium. I gave them a hug and sat
in the back with the other parents, while they went to sit up front.

Kelly, the director, introduced herself and explained how the evening
would go. The first thing she wanted them to do is to go up on stage one
by one, introduce themselves, and sing a song. My breath caught in my
throat. I knew there would be singing in the play but we had not prepared
anything to sing tonight. I was so far away from the kids; I couldn’t go
down and talk with them about it. All I could do was sit in my seat, wait,
and try not to be anxious for them.

When it was Tess’s turn she did not hesitate. She marched right on stage
and announced she would be singing “Free to Be Me” by Francesca
Battistelli. I smiled as she belted out our family’s favorite tune. She knew
all the words because when the song came on the radio, we
turned up the volume, and all sang at the top of our lungs. She did a great
job. Ty was a bit more nervous as he sang Zac Ephron’s “All Star” from
High School Musical, but he also performed very well.

The rest of the evening went more like what we had prepared for. When
they were done, Ms. Kelly announced that she would post the cast list in a
few days. In the car on our way home, the kids told me that they felt really
good about their audition. I told them how proud I was of them. I told them
that I loved the songs they picked out. I asked them if it had made them
scared when she asked them to sing alone. Tess said, “Why, Momma? I
know I can sing.”

The conversation ceased and we were quiet for the rest of the ride. I
couldn’t keep a smile off of my face. My children amazed me. When I
was a child, I fainted before a school play because I was so nervous about
my role as Sweet Betsy from Pike. All I had to do was dance with my Big
Husband Ike. But to go out in front of all of those people was so scary. I
was so thankful that my kids can perform without letting anxiety control
them.

The cast list went up. Ty was cast as one of the Herdmans’. Tess’s role
was that of an angel. They were so happy. My little actors were very serious
about learning their parts. Ty knew all of his lines within the week. Tess
practiced her one line over and over. Who knew there were one thousand
ways to say, “What’s wrong with my wings?”? They never complained
about the long practices 4 times a week. They did their homework in the
car on the way home or at the theatre. I never had to get on to them.

This past week they performed the play eight times. I was able to go to six
of them. The play is “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever”. It is about a
group of basically heathen children, the Herdman’s, who go to church for
the first time and end up taking over the Christmas play. The Christmas
story unfolds for the first time for the children. Their behavior, questions,
and reactions first shock the church members, but eventually teach them
all about the miracle of Christ’s birth and Love that gave the Child in the
first place.

What my children see as something fun, is much more than that. This play
is funny. I laughed and laughed. But it also makes me think. Do I hold to
my traditions and self imposed rules so tightly, I miss sharing a gift so
wonderful as to save the world? Do I turn my nose up, and shake my head
at people who weren’t taught to behave just like me? Does the way I
spend my time, reflect the purpose God intended me for?

I have been beating myself up lately because today, 9 days before
Christmas, I still don’t have any decorations up. No tree, no garland, not
even a wreath. We haven’t baked together, trimmed the mantel, or drank
hot chocolate. I still don’t have all our Christmas presents bought, much
less have them wrapped. I haven’t attended any parties. My Christmas
card pictures still haven’t come in. My hours have been cut at work the
past few months and no extra shifts came my way this year. The number
of gifts that sit on the floor without a tree won’t be as many this year.

Are my kids going to put this down as the worst Christmas ever? I hope
not. They were a part of something beautiful. The time I spent getting them
to practices and performances weren’t wasted. This year, even though I
hope they knew it before, they are seeing that Christ came for all people,
even the messy, misbehaved ones. I hope they will see that Christmas is
still wonderful even without inflatable snowmen on our lawn, lots of ribbon
and greenery, and without the gaming system they wanted. Maybe they
will see that what we give away to others wasn’t as easy as it might have
been. That each gift was given with love that was greater because there
was a little sacrifice involved. I hope that we will be more thankful than
ever for shelter, food, and clothing.

The play runs for three more performances this weekend at Corinth
Theatre Arts. The show starts at 7:30pm on Friday and Saturday and at
2 pm on Sunday. Come see it if you can.

Merry Christmas!


HEY! UNTO YOU A CHILD IS BORN!!-Gladys Herdman

When My Heart Is Breaking....

I know I have been quiet for a while. For those of you who thought
I couldn’t be, are you impressed?


I have been away, away at war. No physical battle, just a fight for
truth when my feelings overwhelmed me with lies. Thankfully, I am
much better and Christ is the victor. I am not proud of the story I
am about to tell you, but I have to tell you about the ugly parts, so
you can understand the beautiful way that God works through my
weakness.

When I was pregnant with our son Jack, many people asked me
if I he would be our last. I guess many were thinking, “It’s your
fourth kid, it has GOT to be your last!” I know that family planning
is mostly the norm. We often assume that we can choose how
many little ones grace our home. For Eric and me, our attempts
at controlling the number and timing of our offspring were thwarted
very early on in our marriage. God let us know who was boss right
away as we had one precious surprise after another. So in
response to that question, I always replied, “I don’t feel ‘done’.”
God had never given me the signal to quit. I never felt that Jack
would be the caboose to our family train.

Many of you know what happened. Two days before I was
expected to deliver Jack into this world, he went ahead of us
to heaven to wait for us there. His death proved once again
how little control we actually have over our existence and the
futility of thinking we do. So about six months after Jack went
to be with Jesus, I began to ask God for another child. I also
prayed that if He allowed me to become pregnant again, that
I wouldn’t be afraid.

Now, after about a year of those prayers, we are anticipating
the birth of another child. In the few months that we have
known this, my world has been spinning. From the beginning,
this pregnancy has been like none other I have had. There
was a question of this baby’s viability and health since day one.
Instead of joy and peace, I have had anguish and uncertainty.
The fear I had prayed against for so long crept in anyway.
Questions, anger, and loneliness came as its companions.
Because I did not want to feel these emotions, shame joined
in as well. He asks so little of me and I failed Him again.

I never questioned God after Jack died, but I was full of them
now. I wanted to know, “Why now? Why this baby? Of all
of my children, You choose the baby after the one who died
for me to have trouble with??! Why would You instill a desire
for more children in me if I can’t have any more? The doctors
say they think I may have lost a twin. What am I supposed to
do with that information? What am I supposed to feel about
that? Did I, or didn’t I?”

I chose not to attach myself to the baby, so there was no
excitement with each sonogram. It was all just more information
until we went for the next one. I only told a few people about
what was going on. I couldn’t have the children find out we
were having a baby that might die. They would be so hurt again.
So I had to pretend to most people around me. We are all “fine”,
right?

The most horrible thing that happened was that I felt alone. After
experiencing years of intimate time in God’s presence, it seemed
that He was gone. I didn’t feel His arms around me. I spoke,
and heard no reply. Where did He go? At first, I was too ashamed
of what I was feeling to even show Him my face. Then, when I
tried to talk to Him, it was as if He wasn’t there. I thought, “Fine,
I don’t really like what You have going for me anyway. I won’t talk
to You either.” But after a few days, I couldn’t stand it. I called out
to Him in prayer during the day. At night, I would awake from
troubled sleep to hear my own voice softly begging, “Come back
to me, please, come back to me.”

Thankfully, we are now at 14 weeks and the baby seems to be
doing well. We heard a heartbeat of 160 at the last check-up.
Because we are past 12 weeks, our chances of losing the baby
go down to 2 percent. Even though my body is still having
some trouble, my spirit is showing some signs of healing. I have
had such a precious group of friends pleading with God on my
behalf. They spoke for me when I couldn’t speak on my own.
And, as always, God has been teaching me despite myself.

In retrospect, all of that time I felt God had left me, I know He
was there. With each angry word, or pleading question, He
used the words He had written on my heart long ago to answer
me. He helped me battle what I felt with what I knew. God’s
Word is truth. He doesn’t lie.

When I felt cheated,

“He is the Rock. His work is perfect; for all His ways are
justice; A God of truth and without injustice; Righteous and
upright is He.” Deuteronomy 32:4

“I do not cheat you, dear one.”

When I asked why,

“And we know that God causes everything to work together
for the good of those who love God are called according to
His purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

“And all of us have had that veil removed that we can be mirrors
that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the
Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and
reflect His glory even more.” 2 Corinthians 3:18

“I have a plan.”

When I felt alone,

“Let your conduct be without covetousness, be content with
such things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will
never leave you or forsake you.’” Hebrews 13:5

“And those who know Your name will put their trust in You;
For You, Lord have not forsaken those who seek You.”
Psalm 9:10

“I am always with you.”

When I was afraid,

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and
of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

“I sought the Lord, and He heard me, and delivered me
from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

“Don’t be afraid. I am with you.”

When I was sad,

“You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle;
Are they not in Your book?” Psalm 56:8

“He heals the broken hearted. He binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3

“I care about you.”

And most of all, when I needed to feel loved,

“The Lord appeared of old to me saying, “Yes, I have loved
you with an everlasting love; Therefore with loving kindness
I have drawn you.” Jeremiah 31:3

“God is love.” I John 4:8b

“I love you.”


“I love you.”


“I love you.”

So tonight, I surrender my need for control. I thank God
for this baby. I have hope for their future. I trust Him for
whatever He deems fit. I praise Him for His constancy
and forgiveness. I cling to His truth. I am grateful to feel
His presence once more.

As ever, God has allowed a song to minister to my heart.
Please click on this link to hear J. J. Heller's  "Your Hands" .