New Beginnings

I have been tardy in saying my thank you for all of the gifts of thoughts, prayer, and messages surrounding our sweet Dinah’s birth. They all meant so much to us and helped us through a difficult situation. I feel as if I have been on a journey, One that began when I started praying for another child a couple of years ago and came to an end when I held her in my arms. Now is a new beginning.

With each of my infant children, as I have held their tiny bodies in the middle of the night, there was a time when I became overcome with a feeling of sheer panic. This is the usual pattern of my racing thoughts:

“This small thing depends on us. For EVERYTHING! They are going to learn how to act from me! I need time to change! I am not good enough to be in charge of a life! There are so many horrible things in this world. How are we going to protect them from them all? If I think it is bad now, what is it going to be like when they grow up? I can’t get them to brush their teeth twice a day. How am I going to get them to be good citizens? ”

Usually, after I give God an earful of mental ranting, He sends pieces of His word to my mind, calming me and assuring me that He has it covered. I don’t have to be perfect to have a baby or raise children. If we did, we would be extinct. He says like, “I love them too,” and “You don’t have to do this by yourself. I need you to ask me” and simply, “trust me”.

If we all thought about it a whole lot, why would anyone want to bring a child into a world that has nuclear weapons, Jihad, and people like James Van der Sloot? A world where God is slowly being inched out? Fear could keep us from enjoying one of God’s greatest blessings. But, I think that this overwhelming sense of urgency has its purpose. I do not think God wants me to be afraid. I think He wants this feeling to inspire action.

I guess people looking at our family from the outside would say that if we didn’t have a great Christian home, we would at least have a pretty good one compared to the next family. But no matter if what they observe is true, if I compare our lives to the one outlined for me in God’s word, we fall desperately short.

How did this happen? I have good intentions, but sadly, I am pretty lazy. It is easy to skip the Bible lesson at home because I took them to church that morning. We are pretty tired and need to get the kids to bed as soon as possible for us to get some quiet time, so let’s skip family prayer tonight. Then, it just slides away all together. I get so caught up in trying to get them to quit fighting with one another, I just tell them to do it because I told them so. I neglect to show them the scripture about why they shouldn’t do it. They yell at one another because I yell at them. I haven’t practiced love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and least of all self-control. How will they ever learn these precepts if I can’t learn them?

So, I see the problems. I realize where we fall short. Now, we resolve to begin again. Hopefully and prayerfully, we’ll do better this time than the last. I love church and bible class, but they are not solely responsible for our children’s biblical education, that’s our job. Outside the church, in our home, at school and at play, is where we can show them where what we say we believe is true. God is relevant. His word is true and applicable to us. Prayer is necessary. Without Him we are nothing.

I don’t want my children to grow up thinking God was an optional, recreational activity. I want them to love Him, need Him, serve Him, and honor Him all the days of their lives. If He is woven in their fabric they can shed Him off as if He was a covering. He will be a part of them, never to be torn away.

My favorite moment in the book, Little Women, is where Jo asks Marmee if she has plans for her daughters like other mothers do. Marmee says,

“I want my daughters to be beautiful, accomplished, and good; to be admired, loved and respected; to have a happy youth, to be well and wisely married, and to lead useful, pleasant lives, with as little care and sorrow to try them as God sees fit to send.”

She goes on to say,

“My dear girls, I am ambitious for you, but not to have you make a dash in the world—marry rich men merely because they are rich, or have splendid houses, which are not homes because love is wanting. Money is a needful and precious thing—and, when well used, a noble thing—but I never want you to think it is the first or only prize to strive for. I’d rather see you poor men’s wives, if you were happy, beloved contented, than queens on thrones, without self-respect and peace.”

I have always loved it because even though those around them sought wealth and prominence, Marmee was teaching them that it was worthless without love and peace.

I have hopes for my children too. So, in a world that values profit above people, self above others, what feels good over what is right, I earnestly want to teach my children differently. I want Jesus to be their hero.

Thank you, God, for new beginnings.

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them….” Psalm 127:3-5a

Sibling Stories

The kids are enjoying their new sister. Our lives have changed but it is for the better. The kids are having to take on new roles and are learning to be great helpers. As always, they have had some funny reactions to life. Here are a few of them:

Amelia has done really well adjusting to Dinah's arrival. She has only known being the baby for the past 4 years and has a few moments when she feels like she isn't as special anymore. We try to give her extra time and let her know how important she is. Most of the time though she is kissing and hugging her sister and learning all about babies. She has had some interesting questions and observations.

The day after we brought Dinah home, Amelia went with me to get Dinah because she was crying. Amelia asked me why she was crying. I told her that she was hungry. Amelia asked, "Is this her lunch?"

I replied, "Yes."

"What is she going to eat?" Amelia inquired further.

"She is going to drink milk," I answered.

Amelia wrinkled her nose and forehead and exclaimed, "But that's what she had for breakfast!"

When I explained that she would only drink milk for a long time, she understood but she thought that was pretty boring.

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One evening after one of our kind friends brought us supper, Ty
came into the kitchen to eat. Ty asked, "Momma, why are people bringing us stuff to eat?"

I explained that having a new baby makes the momma very busy and sometimes she is tired, so if she is fortunate, her friends and family try to help her out.

Ty smiled and shouted, "Yes! This is going to be a great summmer, Momma!"

He was a little upset when I explained that the food would only come for a week or so.

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Tess is a little momma at heart and she has loved having a baby to love on.
She helps me get things, changes diapers, and sings to the baby. The thing she loves best is holding Dinah.

Whenever I need to do something, I set her up with the baby propped up with lots of pillows. One morning, she held the baby on my bed while I was getting ready in the bathroom. She and Amelia sat on the bed talking while I put my make-up on. After a few moments, this is what I over heard:

Tess said, "Okay, Amelia, when I say, 'Dinah!', you say, 'Awesome!'"

Tess, "DINAH!"

Amelia, "AWESOME!"

Tess, "DINAH!"

Amelia, "AWESOME!"

They sat there on the bed, holding their sister, and cheering for her for a few minutes like she was a basketball team. I want to record all of this so that when Dinah is eight and they are twelve and sixteen, and she is getting on their nerves, that they can remember how much they loved her and fought over her time.

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Dinah is a trooper and has been very tolerant of her loving brother and sisters. It will be exciting to see her in a few months when she can love them back.

Lancaster Prayer Request

I am coming once again to ask you to pray for me. I am so grateful to have you dear people in my life, people who do not mind listening to me and going to God on my behalf. If you would, could you take a minute and read what has poured from my heart and mind to this page and then give the time you feel led to give?

I am still here waiting on Dinah to arrive. Dr. Young will induce labor on Friday, May 21st, if I do not go into labor on my own before that day. Because that is less than a week away, I guess I finally realize that I will not be pregnant forever. As most of you know because I shared in the beginning, this pregnancy has been like none other of mine, filled with questions, uncertainties, and difficulties. When I asked God for another baby, I had no idea how He would use it to heal hurts I didn’t know I had, how He would lead me to a deeper level of trust, and teach me things I don’t think I would have learned any other way. We have now made it to the home stretch and she gives us no sign of being anything other than a strong, healthy, little girl. I praise God for carrying me this far because I could not have walked or crawled here on my own.

With nothing other than good news, why would I need to ask you to pray in any other way than praise? A few days ago, I began to cry. It came from nowhere. I was alone in my room and had begun to think about going to the hospital to deliver. Sobs racked my body and I began to shake. Fear seemed to consume my being. My mind was a series of flashes, with mental pictures of our last delivery lined up against visions of what might come. How can we do this? We have to go back to the same place and be in a room that will probably look just like the one we delivered in last time. I don’t want her delivery to be plagued by my sadness. I want only joy in that room and I don’t know how that can happen.

I would say that I don’t fear that anything is wrong or that she might die too, but as I looked back over the previous days, I think that it is there despite evidence to the contrary. I have not begun to prepare for her arrival like I normally would. After my kind friends at work gave us a baby shower, I took the clothes home and left them in their bags. I had to make myself take the tags off and wash them. As I folded them I remembered sitting in a chair in the living room folding Jack’s things and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over them with the children. I folded Dinah’s clothes with trembling fingers and tears in my eyes.

And there, in my room, as I cried as I only had a few times in my life, I did as I always do and had an argument with myself. I tried to reason what I knew against what I felt. The God, who sent His Holy Spirit to the room where I delivered my stillborn son, can certainly send Him to this delivery room. He, who gave me peace instead of hysteria, can give me the same this time. He, who would send the song “How Great is Our God” to my lips as we held his lifeless body, would give me a new song for this baby. As I asked, “How?”, He replied, “in ME.”

So after I could get myself together and spent the next twelve hours struggling with this, I have calmed and am feeling better. Even as I write, Dinah kicks so hard against me, my whole body moves. But even though I do not doubt God, I do doubt myself. So I am asking that you would pray that this new calm would stay with me. I ask that you pray that I my actions and feelings would reflect the trust that I say I have.

Would you pray for my doctor, Dr. Young, and the nurses that have me when we deliver? As a healthcare worker, I know that it is sometimes difficult to care for special situations. Would you pray for Eric as he stands by my side? Would you pray for Ty, Tess, and Amelia? Would you pray for Dinah?

Would you pray against the fear that has no place in my heart or in that room? Would you tell the Evil One that he is not welcome here?

I don’t want false reassurances that “everything will be alright”, because it might not be. Eric and I have met no quota on pain. But I do need to have the assurance that whatever happens, God will bring us through it as He has before. Thank you in advance for spending time lifting our family up to Him. When this time has passed, we will be able to praise Him together and give Him the glory for what He has done.

Again God has given me a song for this walk and it is one I didn’t expect. I have not sung it in church since my teen years, but I sang it so much in my childhood, its words are forever on my heart.


Trust and Obey

When we walk with the Lord in the light of His Word,
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will, He abides with us still,
And with all who will trust and obey.

Refrain:

Trust and obey, for there’s no other way
To be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey.

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Not a burden we bear, not a sorrow we share,
But our toil He doth richly repay;
Not a grief or a loss, not a frown or a cross,
But is blessed if we trust and obey.

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.

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Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]
2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."
3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

New International Version (NIV)
Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica

The Lancaster Comedy Club

Our house is a regular laugh factory and I wanted to share.
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I came in late this evening because I had to go to town. When I arrived home I was pleased that Eric had already started the kids on their baths. Amelia was upstairs and was putting on her pajamas. I went up with Tess to get her started and to blow dry Amelia's hair. I began to comb her hair and noticed that the ends weren't dry but that her roots were.

I asked, "Amelia, did you wash your hair?"

She just stared at me (I believe pondering whether or not she should tell the truth because she might get in trouble). "I took a bubble bath, Momma!"

So, I asked again, "Amelia did you forget to wash your hair?"

She nodded her head. I told her that I would wash it in the morning.

She seemed relieved that I didn't get upset. She began to confess.

"I forgot to wash a lot of things. (Pause) I forgot to wash my whole body. (Pause) BUT, I washed my feet!"

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Tess has been really concerned lately with making money. She is constantly dreaming up new ways to earn a buck or two. She has been offering her cleaning services to anyone who will have her for $5. All I have to do is to drive her around the county to the jobs. I guess I am the one paying for the gas.

She was sitting at the table over a notebook the other day. I asked her what she was up to. She said, "I am designing things to sell in Aunt Emmy's store."

I pondered this. After Emily started knitting, Tess thinks that whatever she needs clothing-wise that Aunt Emmy can knit-up with a few clicks of the needle. Because of this, I assumed that she was referring to Emily selling some of her knitting. I said, "Aunt Emmy doesn't have a store, she just takes orders and makes what she needs to from home."

Tess replied, "I know, but they are building a store. Uncle Jason said so."

"Where?" I queried.

"At their house." she replied matter of factly.

It then dawned on me. "Tess, are you talking about Uncle Jason's shop?"

She nodded. "I can't wait to sell stuff." She grinned and she started working on her designs again.

I was sorry that I had to explain to her that the shop would be a place for Uncle Jason to keep his tools and the boat so that it wasn't outside.

She understood and wasn't too disappointed. She just said, "OOHHHH." and begain to work again.

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Just in case you missed my status post...

Ty came home from church holding a marigold planted in a styrofoam cup.

I said, "Is that for me?"

He hid it quickly behind his back and said, "No." He started rocking on his feet and looking skyward with his big brown eyes.

I asked, "Why does it say 'Mom' on the side of the cup?"

He grinned at me and said, "That's my nickname at church." And ran into the house.

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Last weekend, Eric's nephew got married. Both of the girls were in the wedding. Eric had a ballgame in Tupelo so Ty had to endure the wedding rehearsal even though he wasn't in the wedding party.

After rehearsal began, Ty leaned up and asked where the bathroom was. I asked him if something was wrong because I knew that he had just gone to the bathroom. He grinned and said, "I've got to get some tissue. I am an emotional wreck," making fun of the mommas who were running around crazy.

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Amelia was so excited about be in the wedding. She felt like a princess in her new white dress. As we were getting ready to go to the church for rehearsal, she asked, "Are we going to the wedding try-outs? I hope I do good, Momma."

I was glad to explain that she didn't have to try out, just practice, because she had already made the cut.

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Amelia has been really helpful to me lately. She has so much energy and I have so little, I just try to harness hers. I send her upstairs for things and have her pick things up for me.

At her school, her work from the day is always on the floor underneath her name. One afternoon when I was picking her up I said, "Amelia will you please pick those up for Momma? You are such a big help to me."

She said, "Yeah, Momma, I have to help you because if you get down there you may never get up!"

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Thanks for humoring me by listening to my kid stories.

Dr. Pepper Smiles

This morning I braved Wal-Mart for much needed groceries. After I filled my cart to the brim and checked out, I stepped out into the sunshine and prepared to go to the car. As I exited the doors, I had to stop before I could venture across the crosswalk. In front of me stood 5 pleasantly plump, perfectly coiffed grey-haired ladies. With carts full of giant cases of Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper (not another thing--just Dr. Peppers), they were in an animated conversation about where they had parked their vehicle.

I never heard any names but I am sure at least one of them was Rose and another named Betty. (They just looked like ladies that would be named Rose or Betty.)

One was pointing into the distance and said, "I thought we parked over there."

Another stated, "No, I am sure it was row number 7."

One piped up, "Isn't that it over there?"

Because they looked like very smart women and there weren't that many cars in the parking lot, I felt confident they probably could find it without my help, so I smiled and went around them and went to my van.

I opened the back and began to unload. I looked up and here the ladies came. It was row number 7. They pushed their Dr. Peppers in front of them and smiled at me. One of them stopped and asked me, "Ma'am, do you need any help?"

I smiled back and said, "Thank you so much but I can do it. It is sweet of you to offer."

Her gaze fell to my large, pregnant belly, then rose again to my face. She smiled a doubtful smile and said, "O-Kay" as if she still wasn't sure I would be able to handle it but was resigned to it anyway.

I stopped loading the car and watched the group take stiff steps in their Easy Spirits up the hill to their car. I wondered who would unload all of their cases of soda for them.

As I finished, and took my buggy to the cart corral, I thought about how many able bodied young folks have passed me lately while I was loading groceries, flats of flowers, cans of paint or tile. I wonder if it occured to them to ask me if I needed help and they just didn't or if it didn't even cross their mind. Or how many times, I might not have noticed someone who needed my help.

There have been so many times this pregnancy that I have become frustrated about what my body couldn't do. I would almost curse it for not being able to climb those extra steps, or load that mulch, or carry bins of clothes to the attic. I have had a glimpse of what it might be like when I get a little older and have to concede to my limitations and ask for help even when I don't want to.

I hope that when I age a score of years or two, that I will still feel like helping pregnant ladies load up their groceries. I hope I will have 4 friends who will help me find my car. I wonder if I will develop a need for large amounts of Dr. Pepper?

But for now, I will be on the look out for people who need me. Despite my lack of muscle power, they probably have some other need I can fill. Maybe you could keep an eye open too.

Dinah Update

For those of you thinking, "Hasn't she had that kid yet?" No, I haven't. Most random strangers I meet are thinking and SAYING the same thing. Apparently, there are a great deal of amateur OB specialists in the area. For example, just today, I have been notified by 5 of these kind people in places like: the AT&T store, the Wonder Bread store, and Rib Shack that I am "never gonna make it another month". I was asked by a group of EMT's to please eat across the street because they needed to be able to eat their lunch without worrying I would go into labor.

Well, today I took it better than most days, and laughed along with them. I am rather large but my due date is still May 30th. I did have a sonogram yesterday that said that Dinah was measuring a couple of weeks ahead of schedule. She has a big head like her daddy and a big thigh like her momma. It was reassuring to know that if she did come early (as so many have predicted) low birth weight will probably not be an issue.

I am feeling pretty good these days. I am so glad for all the prayers that were lifted up on my behalf a few weeks ago when I was feeling AWFUL all of the time. I still tire easily and can't wait for that "nesting" thing to kick in. It will be so great to WANT to do all of the things I HAVE to do.

We are in the middle of redoing our house so little Dinah will not have to sleep in a dresser drawer so my pregnancy has been at the bottom of my trouble list. I have lately survived a few minor disasters and will have to save those stories for another blog post. Future titles include, "What It Is Like for a Family of Five to Sleep on the Living Room Floor for a Week" and "How I Avoided a Divorce on the Grounds of Irreconcilable Differences i.e. House Remodel".

I just wanted to let those of you who have kindly asked that she is doing well and hopefully we will have a delivery in the next month. For now, until I can walk on my kitchen floor, I have asked her to stay put. Maybe she will be like her mother and be a loving, compliant child.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers in the coming days.

When Spring Comes Again

I love to see the daffodils blooming. It seems to be the first sign that spring will make its appearance. As a girl, we were allowed to pick all of the daffodils we wanted because there were so many of them in the fields around where we lived. We would fill any container we could find with the flowers and decorate our home. Their bright yellow would light up any room. Now that I am older, I don’t pick them as much, I just enjoy the fact that they bring color to the bleak, brown landscape from the long winter months.


This year the blooms have emerged in March. A couple of years ago, due to an unusual warm spell they were out in February. The day of my son’s funeral was overcast, cold, and misty. As we drove to the cemetery, I noticed the daffodils lined the roadway. It felt good to see them, but I wondered at them being out on a day like that.

In the coming months, one of songs I listened to the most was “Worship in the Waiting” by FFH. The chorus to the song is this:


I WILL WORSHIP IN THE WAITING
I WILL WALK WITH THIS SAND BENEATH MY FEET
THOUGH THE WINTER WIND IS BLOWING
THE GROUND IS NOT FROZEN UNDERNEATH
I WILL WORSHIP AND NOT GROW BITTER
CAUSE I KNOW YOU SEE THE END OF IT ALL
AND WITH THE SPRING WILL COME THE RAIN
AND I'LL SEE WHAT WAS GAINED
IN THE WAITING



Those days I walked a lot outside and listened to music. I was able to watch spring come into its full glory. The dead leaves and broken branches were replaced with bits of green and dogwood blooms. Wisteria, tulips, azaleas and daffodils graced the scenery beautifully. God used His gorgeous earth to show me He loved me. Each blossom whispered comfort. Even though I was walking through a winter in my life, spring would come again. The ground, so frozen and hard, was not dead. It held life beneath it and with time and God’s help; I would bloom again as well.

So daffodils have become my own personal rainbow and I don’t mind sharing it with you. No matter what difficulty you are enduring in the present, nothing on this earth lasts forever. It will pass. He may not change your circumstance but He can change you in it. So even when you feel you can’t, worship Him and don’t grow bitter. Lean on Him and grow in wisdom. Then someday, when spring has come again, you will be able to look back and see how far He has brought you.



I’ve seen the red sea part, I’ve seen the mountains move
But now it seems so dark, I can’t even feel you
If you chose to be silent I’ll be silent too
I will worship in the waiting, quiet before you
Until your voice like manna from the sky falls

I WILL WORSHIP IN THE WAITING
I WILL WALK WITH THIS SAND BENEATH MY FEET
THOUGH THE WINTER WIND IS BLOWING
THE GROUND IS NOT FROZEN UNDERNEATH
I WILL WORSHIP AND NOT GROW BITTER
CAUSE I KNOW YOU SEE THE END OF IT ALL
AND WITH THE SPRING WILL COME THE RAIN
AND I'LL SEE WHAT WAS GAINED
IN THE WAITING

I’ve seen the blooms of spring, new life in everything
But now it seems so grey, bright colors fade away
This winter seems much longer and colder than before
But I will worship in the waiting, expecting something more
Until the sun shines warm upon my face again

He Leadeth me He leadeth me
By his own hand He leadeth me
His faithful follower I would be
For by his hand He leadeth me